Lately I've been feeling a roller coaster of emotions. When I see things like dirty dishes,videos on the floor and children playing video games with undone chores and food on the carpeted area, I used to feel annoyed, but lately my internal rage and negative thoughts have intensified and I spiral downward into the depths of despair. I want to be alone. I start to have resentful thoughts about my children, and I am not a happy person. I have a hard time sleeping or shutting off my brain at night.
Earlier this week when I experienced these strong feelings and spiraling thoughts, I knew I'd just toss and turn for hours, so instead I decided to read something inspiring to change my mindset. Although my mood was creating struggles in my family relationships, as I scanned the topics in the Ezra Taft Benson manual, I knew that topics like "The Sacred Calling of Mothers and Fathers" or "Living Joyfully in Troubled Times" would only make me feel more inadequate and guilty for falling short in my current frame of mind, so instead I felt inspired to read this message on Pride by Ezra Taft Benson.
It was the perfect message for me. As I read ...
“Pride is characterized by ‘What do I want out of life?’ rather than by ‘What would God have me do with my life?’ It is self-will as opposed to God’s will.
I thought about my desires of the day.
I wanted my family to find their own food and take care of their own needs, so I could do family history. I wanted a break from cleaning. I wanted to stay home when my husband asked me to go on a walk with him to the park. I wanted to sit on the bench instead of interacting with people. I wanted to wait until tomorrow to help my neighbor. I wanted to relax and play piano.
Ironically, I taught a lesson earlier that day on "Good, Better, Best." None of my wants were "bad," some were very good, but this quote reminded me that I wasn't choosing "best."
“Humility responds to God’s will—to the fear of His judgments and to the needs of those around us.
And my focus on what I wanted created feelings of enmity towards my family.
The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.
I prayed, I cried, I listened to my favorite inspiring music, and then I had a good night's sleep committing to do be more humble the next day.
I think part of my emotional swings are due hormonal changes, and my intense feelings probably won't disappear anytime soon. But I know my own choices and what I choose to focus on can definitely help me live with more peace and happiness each day.
Yesterday was filled with a lot of nostalgic moments with my children, partly because I didn't choose to do what "I wanted."
Often when I take my kids to the park for lunch, I choose to stay in the car and read my scriptures and enjoy a few minutes of peace and quiet. But since Rebecca was at girls camp and the older boys chose to stay at home, I joined the kids for lunch and lingered longer to let them climb trees, even though I wanted to read my book.
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| Flexing & Spying |
Then we headed to the library where they happened to have this fun display that allows even the blind to experience animals up close.
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| It's okay to touch the animals! (A cool exhibit that comes to our library each year) |
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| Alyssa magnetic creation while learning about trapezoids, equilateral & isosceles triangles |
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When we came home Jacob had been cooking with his friend, and although I wanted clean kitchen, it makes me happy to see him hanging out with friends, deepening his knowledge of fractions and entertaining us with his "cooking show" video episodes.
I definitely had a more delightful day when I didn't always do what "I Wanted."
