Ideals and Change

I was irritated by something someone did this week.  Unfortunately, I let them know when I was still in the heat of emotion.  Then I allowed some critical thoughts and justifications in my defense to unleash in my mind and my feelings of misery only deepened.  With all of negative thoughts and feeling stirring inside my mind, I couldn't go to sleep that night and I felt a headache coming on.  I knew from experience that if I didn't do something to quit the cycle of negativity inside... I wouldn't be able to sleep for hours.  So I quietly snuck out of bed to retreat into my "sanctuary," my piano room.  I opened this book to the chapter where I had left off earlier that day during my peaceful hours when I enjoy the quiet house all to myself and get rejuvenated for the day.  The inspiring mixture of scriptures, quotes from literature and church leaders were the perfect antidote for my despair.

The bookmark fell open to the next chapter and the topic was REPENTANCE.  These words start to melt my defenses.
"A man will do almost anything before he will honestly and frankly face and confess his own mistakes and blunders and sins.  He will blame others first, or unavoidable circumstances, or rationalize and justify his actions -- almost every excuse, before he will turn in on himself for a clear look at self-love, unjustifiable pride, or an unpayable debt of guilt for some wrong done to another."
I could see this happening in me.  Somehow in a matter of hours I had gone from "the Best Mom Ever" (according to Alyssa who earlier in the day was thoroughly enjoying homemade brownies and a movie for our Mom-date)... to feeling like a complete failure.
Another quote jumped out at me.
"As soon as repentance stops, progress stops." - Eldred G. Smith
There are moments when I compare my "now-self" to my high school self and wonder if I am making adequate progress.  It was a lot easier back then for me to be patient, organized, clean and kind when I was just responsible for myself.  My circumstances are different now and at times I struggle to measure up to the ideals that I am aiming for as a neighbor, parent, spouse, child, and friend.  This quote got me reflecting on the question "What do I need to change?"  because repentance is simply change.
"...whenever a civilization is faced with a new and fundamental challenge, there is only one thing that can save it from decline and fall--its men and women must change their habits of thought to meet the challenge.  Either they meet their new world with new thinking, or they go under." - W.T. Holliday

To repent is to change one's mind or one's heart with regard to past or intended action, conduct, etc. on account of regret or dissatisfaction. - David O. McKay

The next chapter was "THANKSGIVING."  It made me think of my friend Mandy who this past Sunday joyously testified of how good God is to us in our afflictions and expressed gratitude for the miracles in her life despite the fact that her husband had undergone major surgery after chopping off some fingers and their family has experienced other difficult challenges at the same time.
"The grateful heart is not only the greatest virtue but the parent of all others." - Cicero
A string of grateful thoughts started filling my mind as I began to reflect on the blessings I do have instead of what I wish were different.
Take what God gives, O heart of mine, 
And build your house of happiness.
Perchance some have been given more;
But many have been given less.
B.Y. Williams

If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love. (John 15: 11)

It was approaching midnight and I was beginning to feel much more peace after this "book therapy" but the title of the next chapter kept me up just a little longer... JOY.
Brigham Young put it in words like bullets: "What are we here for? To learn to enjoy more, and to increase in knowledge and in experience."
So many of the words from this chapter resonated with me.
"Progress is... a process of adding to that which we now possess, by the elimination of errors, by the actual accretion of new truth and by the development of greater self-mastery.  It is a steady approach to the likeness of God. - John A. Widstoe
I thought of some phrases from this primary song that is the theme for the lesson I am teaching this week.

My life is a gift...

My life has a purpose...

I will follow God’s plan for me,

Holding fast to His word and His love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in His way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

"From all life's joys and sorrows, we gain insight or bitterness, wisdom or rebellion, understanding or frustration, reconciliation or despair."

We are not compelled to live with gloom fear and doubt.  We can look on the sunny side, and walk there too.

The next chapter, LOVE tempted me to stay up longer, but I returned to quietly to my bed with these new thoughts stirring in my head and a new resolve to change the lens of how I see my life.

"It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or carve a statue and make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look - to affect the quality of the day. That is the highest of arts." - Henry Thoreau

The formula for happiness is simple.

REPENTANCE+THANKSGIVING=JOY