Never Enough

I was sweeping the kitchen floor during the peaceful moments after the crazy rush of getting all the kids out the door to school.  Those few hours of quiet solitude are something I look forward to each day, even if it means that I'm left to pick up the pieces from the chaos of a morning of lunches thrown together, spilled breakfast cereal, last night's dishes still in the sink because the child with that chore had a lot of homework,  and yet another toothbrush left out on the bathroom counter.  Somehow what I envisioned "motherhood" as being when I dreamt of it as a child is a little different from the reality that I wake up to each day. The inspiring talks and music from BYU Radio playing in the background while I clean are my therapy that usually soothes my soul.

But on this day, the radio wasn't on yet, and the words of "Never Enough" (from the Greatest Showman) kept swirling in my mind as I reflected on some events of the week and my own inadequacies as a mother.  The tears started to stream down my face.
The night before Jacob's coach had sent a late night text.  He weighed 5 pounds over the limit for the State Wrestling Meet and wouldn't be able to compete that morning if he hadn't lost it overnight.  I checked my overloaded email and got a message that Joshua was struggling with motivation and attentiveness in music class. When I started to walk through my house to put away a few items I saw a peek into some of my kids bedrooms that were approaching "hoarder-house" levels of disorder and I started to feel like I was really failing as a mother to "train them up in the way they should go," especially training them to self-reliantly pick up after their own messes!  I thought about how nice it would be to go to "Time Out for Women" that weekend and hear positive messages from women like me who could relate to the struggle, but  would be sharing how to be "Centered in Christ."

As I tried to curb the tide of my negative thoughts I tried to think of good things that had happened that week.  I had exercised at least 5 days a week since the beginning of the year. Alyssa had completed her Anne Frank book for the wax museum 2 weeks before it was due and was proudly displayed her diorama of the Secret Annex that she had built cardboard furniture for.  She really doesn't like reading, so this was a big accomplishment. I had actually prepped her costume 2 days before so she would be prepared and we wouldn't be rounding up something at the last minute and Jared helped her with the finishing touches the night before while I was busy relearning all the details about exponential equations and rational expressions that I haven't used for over 20 years so I could tutor another child with their homework.

We had scripture study regularly each morning.  It was short and it wasn't perfect, but it happened. Although there were dinner dishes from the night before still cluttering my kitchen, I had the opportunity to help with a meal for someone in need. I trained Joshua (age 5) on how to do the laundry and he loved it so much that the next day he took the initiative to gather up some of his sibling's clothes, sort, wash and dry them without any help.  After cleaning the microwave with vigor, he had also enthusiastically helped me wipe down and dust all of the kitchen cabinets, (which hadn't happened since we moved in the over a year ago). We went on a "mom-date" to celebrate.

Then Jared texted me the message that through some dogged persistence on the treadmill (and a really sweaty night's sleep at 80 degrees!), Jacob miraculously lost enough weight to compete as a Freshman at State.

I had already fully prepared my primary sharing time lesson about keeping the commandments so I wouldn't haven't to worry about it at TOFW.  Just reflecting on the "good things" in life like this started to pull me out of my dark mood.  I don't post to boast, but mentally "checking off" the good things shifted my focus to counting my blessings instead of wallowing or whining about where I feel I've fallen short.

This experience came to my mind again during when a speaker referred to the "darkness which may be felt" that surrounded the Egyptians,  "but all the children of Israel had light in their dwellings.
Exodus 10:21 & 23.

I felt so grateful to be flooded with even more positive messages over the weekend. I wrote down a few notes, quotes and inspiration. The quotes were quickly scribbled in a dark room so may not be completely accurate. :)
"You will never be able to measure your influence for good." - Mary Ellen Edmunds
"What God expects is the best I can do and God will fill in the rest."
"If today you are a little bit better than you were yesterday than that is enough." - Elder  Bednar
"Consciously Choose Progress over Perfection" - Calee Reed
Reframe "Stress" as "Excitement."   (I've had a very exciting year!)
What God doesn't protect you from, he will perfect you through.  - Calee Reed
Seeking to LIVE perfectly (focussing inward) can lead to comparison.  Instead, Seek to LOVE perfectly (focus outward.) - Tom Christofferson
Read the scriptures until you get an ah-hah moment (inspiration), and then write it down - Laurel Day

I loved hearing the challenges and victories of each speaker and the violin music by Jennie Oaks Baker was heavenly, but the message that impacted me the most was from Carol J. Decker. I was just so amazed at her positive, joyful perspective despite the fact that she had lost her sight and 3 of her limbs during a sudden infection in pregnancy.  As she opened her heart and shared the moments when her baby daughter reached up to her and touched her eyelashes, her daughter dabbed her nose with flour while making cookies together after her recovery and the exhilarating feeling of hearing her children's joyful laughter skiing beside her, I just felt a rush of gratitude pour into my heart for the moments that I have to share with my own family.  Their shortcomings seemed to be drowned away when I reflect on the simple happy moments that we get to share together in this life. I'll take a thousand more mornings of crazy chaos so that I can savor even more of the moments of complete joy!